10 Reasons to Judge
You all know her. You all love her. She's one of the best in all and she's here on the blog today. It's the one and only Erin, from Living in Yellow. Basically, she's kind of a big deal. You're welcome.
Hello all you Helene In Betweeners.
If we have absolutely nothing else in common at least we know we share a mutual love for Helene.
Before we begin, I should introduce myself.
My name is Erin and I blog it out over at Living In Yellow.
Some things you should know: I am married to both a husband and wine. My only child is 5 pounds and is covered in black fur. I realize this could be mistaken as a human but no, it's a dog. My husband became a little suspicious of us having children after I asked if flowers planted outside actually need to be watered. On a serious note I think it's a little high maintenance of those things to demand attention daily but whatevs. I could tell you that my blog is full of life enhancing information but rather all you gain from it is knowing I pee in the shower on occasion, eat insane amounts of mac and cheese on the reg, and prefer napping over folding laundry. Oh, and I also have a deep appreciation for both the Cupid Shuffle and Nelly. Now that we got that out of the way, I figured I should share with you 10 additional reasons why you should judge me. You know, just so we can start this whole friendship thing off on a level playing ground.
1. I hide from 99% of people that I know when I see them in public. It's not that I don't like them, it's just I don't really want to see them. Or something. I thrive on efficiency people. Stopping while juggling 3 boxes of shoes, 4 dresses, and two scarves while at Target isn't really what you call convenient. Next time you see me and I am hiding behind a mannequin just play along and act as if you didn't see me either (it will be a lot less awkward that way). It will be like an unspoken game of hide and seek.
2. I will carry on a conversation with you while my mouth is full of food (even if you ask me to stop). I have this problem where I really love food. No but really. And to be quite honest here, it seems rather rude that you would expect me to put my ultimate love on hold just to finish a sentence. My husband has threatened to buy me a groupon for an etiquette class (really husband? really groupon? DOES NOBODY ELSE OUT THERE LOVE FOOD AND TALKING AT THE SAME TIME?) Again, it's all about efficiency but I digress.
sex to the y. or would it be e? sexy is what i'm gettin' at.
3. I peel off entire shellac manicures in a matter of minutes. This may or may not have happened today. Have you ever peeled off shellac? Well apparently you are supposed to pay like $5 bucks at the nail salon to remove it for you. Something about the words “it destroys your nails”, I don’t know.
4. I long to be the salsa dancer emoticon. Like really bad. I know it’s not good to have idols but how could you not idolize that ball of fiesta goodness? I've always wanted to have a little person in my pocket and she just happens to be the exact person I want. She’s just always so happy. And so darn dancy. It’s gotten to the point that I now catch myself getting into her character while eating dinner out, watching TV, making dinner, etc. Plus, she is the perfect response to ANY text message. Don't know how to handle your friends bad day, husbands request to stop by the hardware store, or dad's random questions? Just send over the salsa dancer! She's gotcha covered.
5. I have a dirty mind. If there is a gutter to be found, it finds it. I would go into detail here but I don't think it would all fit in this post. That's what she said.
6. I am way better at being unproductive than productive. It's true. I am a blogger school dropout all of a sudden. I used to hold on my own for the most part around here with getting things done, responding to social media, etc. AND THEN I DISCOVERED SATURDAY AFTERNOON NAPS. Mind blown.
7. I never lock my car doors. Well, I used to not lock my car doors until just now when I broadcasted that tid bit of information all over the world. Now I lock them like a dang fool. Or will lock them. Whatever. It's just something that takes time and I mean yeah sure I may have had a car stolen before but still. That's like 7 seconds every time you want to enter and exit your vehicle. For the love of all that is holy, who has time for that shaz?
8. I don’t recycle. I know. I just got plastic water bottles thrown at computer screens across America. Here's my deal with this. I am still trying to figure out what constitutes as cardboard, glass, plastic, paper, etc. Throw in the “PAPER ONLY!” signs and my brain can't handle it all. Which is why I love the trash. It just sits there all peaceful like with no threats staring me in the face. I mean think of the anxiety those obnoxious signs cause somebody like me who can't tell if their Snapple bottle is glass or plastic. I swear an alarm will go off and that whole recycle bin will blow up in my face if I get it wrong. At least put a smiley face behind the “PLASTIC ONLY” message. Trash for the win on this one.
9. Instead of getting groceries one time for the week, I stop at the store every day for that day’s needs. For somebody who thrives on efficiency and saving money, this one makes zero sense. I think I just like being tempted by candy bars every day at the checkout line. I say no to them 99.9% of the time and if that's the only victory I can get in a day's time, you better believe I'll take it. You must do things daily that challenge you kids. Staring a kit kat in the face and overcoming that temptation is challenging and so rewarding. Small victories. It's worth it. Not.
10. And if for no other reason, judge me because I lied to you and can only come up with 9 valid reasons at the moment on why you should judge me. Except now I think I just gave you 10. Mission tell the world why they should think I am bat ___ crazy accomplished.
What is one thing I should know about you? I'll try not to judge but if you even say something like “I think Keith Urban is ugly” there will be judgement and it won't be pretty. And now that you know why you should hate me, be sure to stop on over and say hello. I'll have the wine waiting.