Thus far the 2016 presidential race is one of the most absurd ever. I honestly can’t believe the line-up of candidates. They remind me of kids we all knew in high school—the bully, the nerd, the jock, the cheerleader… The race itself feels like a throwback to the American high school experience with all its anxiety, acne, back-biting, rumors, hormones, and struggle to be popular.
You’ve got Ben Carson. The quiet AP science student with quirky theories about creationism. He’s so soft-spoken in class, the teacher keeps marking him absent. He’s always first to raise his hand, but never gets called on in class.
Then there’s Donald Trump, the meat-head football tackle who’s mastered the art of the wedgie on unsuspecting nerds. Never without a comb, he checks himself out in his locker mirror. Heavy handed with the Clearasil, he denies getting frequent spray tans. Trump flirts with majorette Sarah Palin, but wouldn’t be caught dead at the prom with anyone other than his big-breasted, cheerleader girlfriend. It’s Trump’s 5th prom, after again failing English.
Marco Rubio, head of the Hispanic student alliance, and known to skip class on test days, refused to back down when bully Donald Trump tried to give him a toilet swirly (high school water-boarding) in the boy’s locker room.
Ted Cruz, in drama club and outspoken member of the “Christian Fellowship,” hands out “Jesus Saves” pamphlets. His girlfriend is saving herself.
John Kasich, always in his seat for class before the bell rings, was named class Valedictorian, and lost the designation of “Most Likely to Succeed” by only three votes. That distinction went to Anderson Cooper.
Jeb Bush, who was once stuffed into a locker by Trump, struggles to get out from under the shadow of his popular older brother.
Bernie Sanders, the stoner kid running for class president, promises everyone free pizza in the cafeteria. He has no way to back up this promise, but incoming freshman continue rallying around him, quick to carry his books and hide his weed. And Martin O’Malley, the longest running Key Club president in the school’s history, skipped class a lot.
Hillary Clinton, currently dating the class president, is the captain of the Drill Team. She’s been campaigning to get the school to change the dress code from skirts to pantsuits. Once, she got her phone taken away in class but quickly erased all the messages. Her boyfriend Bill was almost suspended when caught smoking weed in the boys bathroom but escaped punishment after explaining he didn’t inhale. Later, he got caught with his hand up the school nurse’s skirt. Hillary stood by him.
I’m no authority on who’s the best candidate. And I’m still not sure who I’ll vote for. But I do have one opinion. If Trump wins class president, I’m dropping out of school.