I’m Terrified of Change
There are 5 things in the world that will ALWAYS make me cry.
1. Commercials containing dogs (specifically those with Sarah McLachlan)
2. The movie “The Sandlot”
3. Wedding ceremonies
This past month has contained 4 out of 5 and I'll be watching “The Sandlot” this weekend if it's the last thing I do. How can it be July 15th and I haven't watched this movie? See this right here, this is what I'm choosing to stress over instead of the fact that we still don't know where we're living in Nashville. August 1st is still our scheduled move out date but there are clearly large looming problems like how we will move and where we will live.
This morning I burst into tears for no apparent reason. Hugo and Millie looked at me like I was crazy, because, in fact, I am. I thought about the fact my Mom won't be a short drive away from me and it made me so sad and upset. I called her, wondering if she might have the answers to the universe and life's mysteries, and because I call my Mom all the time.
And now I need to pause because I'm again tearing up. I've always had an issue with change. I've hated aging, even as a child. I remember at the end of 5th grade I was fraught with grief over the fact I would now be a “middle schooler” after that summer. 6th grade meant more responsibility. It meant wearing a bra, shaving my legs, harder classes, and going to an entirely different building at my grade school. Yes, the building was right next to the elementary school, but still. I remember weeping into my mom's neck, telling her everything would be different now.
And it was. But it was also wonderful. I had my first boyfriend and he took me to play put-put golf. He bought me a multi-colored, metallic mobile that I hung in my room by the fan strings. Later that year he called and told me we should, “take a break” and I felt my heart crumble into a thousand pieces. We're still on that break and technically never officially broke up, sorry Michael.
Change is inevitable. Some people embrace change. I think I will, eventually. The anxiety of change seems to overwhelm me and grasp me by the hair and tell me I'm not in control. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe one day I'll come to appreciate it. Maybe one day I'll savor changes. But for now, those ads that say their products are “life changing” can keep them. I know change is a constant. I know it's a good thing. But 5th grade Helene is still terrified.