It looks like I need a new bra. Aren't I supposed to be buying these things every few months? I've had this one for a few years so I guess it's time. I think Victoria's Secret is having a sale. I'll go there. Plus, I want some new lotion.
Ahh here we are. Ok let me just head to the PINK section first. Why are they yelling PINK at me, anyway? And why does this obviously navy blue hoodie say PINK on it? It's navy. I mean, I get it, it's a brand. But when your brand is a color it's a little odd. Oh! They have cute t-shirts. Adorable, “Oh wednesdays we wear pink.” Mean Girls, can't go wrong with Mean Girls. Wait, why the hell is this t-shirt $49? It is spun out of gold? I'll just put that back. I do however need this Texas long sleeve tee. I'm just not going to look at the price. I need it. Into the black mesh bag it goes.
Okay time for the real deal. I need a bra. Wait, some underwear too. Cheeky- why would I purposefully give myself a wedgie? Stay focused, it's about the bra. What's that one called that I like? Perfect Dreamer? Angel Eyes? The Supermodel Body? Hmm. There are so many different kinds… but they all look the same. Oh, I think it's the Dream Angels one. That's it.
Wait. There's demi (like, Moore?), perfect coverage, push up, push up to your face, strapless, multi-way, and racerback. Also why are these all neon colors? I want nude. Nude will not be seen through my white shirt.
“Do you need any help?” The petite lady clad in black asks.
“Yes, I just want a nude, normal bra, not a lot of stuff going on.”
“Do you need a fitting?”
“No.” Why do we always have to get a fitting?
“Are you sure? When's the last time you've had a fitting?”
“Oh, I just had one 3 weeks ago,” I lie.
“Here you go. Let me get a fitting room started for you. Also here are 3 other bras you might want to try.”
Alright, let me try these on. Why is so dark in here? It also smells like someone spilled a bottle of perfume and used baby powder to cover it up. Wonderful, now I get to see my body after perusing a store filled with images of scantily clad perfect people. I don't feel bad about myself now.
I'll just try on the ones she recommended first. Is this a joke? My boobs are giant. What's in here? I think it might be an actual water balloon. No. Okay, now this one. It's half-way decent but it has diamonds on it, why would I need fake diamonds on my bra? This “Bombshell” one, I'm not even going to try, there's so much padding I'm not sure where my boob would go. Now the one I brought in, yep, that's the one.
And now for the lotion. Might as well buy this supermodel bronzer so I too can look like a supermodel. And this lipgloss. Because it's just sparkly and pretty and I can't help it. Let's see, which lotion do I like?
***30 minutes pass***
I had to pick multiple. I mean it was 3 for $25. What am I supposed to do? Just buy one. You're saving money. Ok I need to get out of here. I need to smell fresh air and not be surrounded by unrealistic people.
“Would you like to sign up for an angel card?”
No. I am no angel. I just want to leave.